Karp Fest
by Saelan
Summary: A young boy begins his journey with... a Magikarp. Soon it becomes clear to him that the life of a Pokemon trainer is a lot harder and frustrating than he had thought. How will our hero defeat the powerful Elite Four or the evil Team Microscopic? Review!
1. Chapter 1

** Thanks to Joe P. and Sam S. for contributing to the madness, and for adding ideas I never could have thought of on my own. Begin the KarpFest.**

A teenage boy named Tom sat on the front porch of his old yellow house, staring into space and waiting for something, anything, to happen. Cauliflower Town was always so quiet and uneventful; he hated living there. Today was supposed to be the first day of his wonderful Pokemon adventure, but everything had gone wrong. He glanced up into the tree across the street and glowered at the Metapod staring down at him. What was it staring at, anyway? He grabbed a rock and threw it at the ugly green bug. It ricocheted off the cocoon Pokemon and broke the window in his rival's bedroom. Tom cursed and stomped moodily into the forest.

"Not enough starters," he muttered, walking toward the moss-covered boulder near a tiny stream. He had gone there almost every day since he'd moved to Cauliflower Town with his parents three years before. As he moved closer to the water, a horrible rasping noise filled the air. He peeked around a tree and, upon seeing nothing, stepped forward into the clearing. Something hard and slimy flew up into the air and hit him in the back.

"Karp... karp... k-arp!" exclaimed the breathless Magikarp flopping inches from his face. "Karp! Karp!" It soared up again and landed right on top of Tom's head.

"Get off!" He grabbed the dirt encrusted fish and tossed it back into the river. It twisted and twirled on its way to the water. He sat up and leaned against a tree, then gazed across the river and into the sky... Until something heavy and wet fell into his lap.

"Karp karp karp, Magikarp karp karp," the Pokemon gasped, flopping aimlessly and splattering the boy with water. It saw his backpack on the ground beside him and burrowed inside.

"What the fuck?" he yelled, yanking the fish out by its tail fin and flinging it into the water one last time. He got to his feet and ran back home, hoping the horrid Magikarp wouldn't jump after him.

The next morning, Tom woke up and hurried to Professor Maple's lab down the street. He had told Tom that he would have more starter Pokemon shipped overnight from his lab in [insert color here] Town. Tom strode into the lab and waited in the lobby for the professor to arrive.

"Good morning, Mr. Ato," a voice called a few minutes later. "Come on into my office."

"Are the Pokemon here yet?" Professor Maple sighed and opened a cardboard box next to his desk.

"I wish you weren't so impatient, Tom. I understand you're excited, but please remain calm. Your mother told me that the pharmacy ran out of the pills you need, and I'm sorry, but everything's going to be fine. The Pokemon haven't arrived yet, but I can give you your five PokeBalls now, since you're so anxious. You should go wait outside until the delivery truck pulls in." Tom nodded solemnly and took the PokeBalls from the professor. He wandered outside and around the outskirts of the woods, examining one of the PokeBalls. It was red and white and shiny and...

"KARP, KARP, KARP!" The stalker Magikarp had reappeared on the riverbank; it jumped and flipped through the air and... knocked the PokeBall out of Tom's hands. It hit the ground and, in a stream of light, it was gone. One... two... three... Magikarp was caught!

"NOOOOOOO!" Tom screamed, falling to his knees and wailing at the motionless PokeBall. "Go a-way! I don't want you, Magikarp!" He grabbed the ball and hurled it as far away as he could. It opened and flew back to him as the orange menace re-emerged. Tom sprinted back to the lab, hoping to leave the flopping terror behind.

"Tom, what's going on?" Professor Maple asked, searching the area for an attacking Pokemon. "What are you screaming about?" Tom bent over and tried to catch his breath.

"K... k... kar..." Then he could hear it, slowly coming to get him. Flop-gasp-flop-flop-splash.

"KARP! K-ARP! Magi-Magi-KARP!" It landed pathetically at Tom's feet.

"Help me, Professor! It hit the PokeBall and..."

"I'm terribly sorry, Tom. But it seems you've... found your starter Pokemon."

"No, please, Professor! I... I can't DO anything with a Magikarp!"

"You caught it, you care for it. You're this Pokemon's trainer now. And since you have a Pokemon now, why would you need two?" The Professor held the door open for Tom and the Magikarp jumped into his arms.

"Karp," it said, content at last. The lab assistants cackled as Tom walked by carrying the dripping, loud, bony fish. It greeted each person as they passed.

"I feel sorry for you, Tom, I really do. I'll give you... ten more PokeBalls to help you with your misfortune."

"How's that going to help? I can't battle with this..."

"Karp."

"Oh, shut up, Magikarp!"

"Maybe you'll get lucky again."

"You call THIS lucky?" The professor removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

"Take one of those PokeDexes over there on that table. Good luck on your journey. I'm sure everything will work out fine."

"Yeah, whatever. When this piece of shit evolves, I'm going to make it eat you." He marched outside and stuffed the Magikarp into his backpack, hoping other trainers would take pity on him and refuse to challenge him.

Before setting off on his Pokemon journey, Tom Ato rested at home. During dinner, he held his head in his hands and wished that somehow he could go back in time and never meet that stupid Magikarp to begin with. His mom set dinner in front of his face and she sighed.

"What's the matter, honey? You've been quiet all day. I thought you'd be happy to finally go on your journey to become a Pokemon Master!" He lifted his head to look at her.

"I was," he said, "but now I wish I never got this stupid Pokemon!" He motioned to the Magikarp splashing sideways in the kitchen sink. Tom's mother lifted her pan and smacked him in the face.

"TOM ATO!" she huffed. "I thought I taught you better than that! He's done nothing to you!"

"Except ruin my dreams," Tom sighed.

"TOM!"

"You know..." He looked away from her. "I'm not hungry." He stood up and sulked to his room. A few minutes later, his mom appeared in the doorway with the PokeBall; Magikarp was back in its new home.

"Here," she said. "I have to clean the sink. Let him be with you."

"Thanks," he replied.

"Don't forget: he's your Pokemon now. It's your duty as a trainer to always CARE for your Pokemon." Tom's mother went back downstairs and he sighed.

"Maybe," he whispered," I can catch another Pokemon as easily as I caught Magikarp." He rolled onto his side and smiled. A new day was dawning (in a few hours, anyway). He fell asleep, dreaming of what new adventures awaited him.

That night, Tom awoke with a start; his legs felt cold and his bed was wet. He blinked, trying to drive himself out of confusion. In his ear he heard a dark rasp, and cold breath was flowing down his neck.

"KARP!" Tom smashed his face on the floor.

The next morning, Tom awoke on the floor with Magikarp flopping next to him

"Return, damn it!" he said bitterly. He quickly dressed and ran downstairs to the kitchen where his mother was cooking eggs.

"Morning," she called sweetly.

"Hey," he replied.

"You know, I think you should leave and take on the world, just you and your Pokemon."

"Yeah right, Mom. Me and this piece of shit against the Elite Four," Tom answered, rolling his eyes.

"Well, you should at least try," she pleaded, scraping all of the scrambled eggs onto a single plate, as if saying that she didn't want him to stay any longer.

"FINE!" Tom stormed back up the stairs and packed his clothes, then grabbed Magikarp and started walking out the door.

"Wait, here's ¥1,000 to get you started."

"Thanks, Mom." He stepped out the door to begin the journey that would lead him ultimately nowhere because the last gym and Victory Road were both in the next town. He didn't even make it out of Cauliflower Town before his rival, Jack Offer, walked up to him with a stupid smile plastered on his face. "What the fuck do you want?"

"I heard you got a Pokemon yesterday. Well, I got one, too. Wanna battle?" He reached for his PokeBall.

"I hear you like Mudkips," Tom taunted, watching as the PokeBall opened to reveal a strong-looking Mudkip. Tom groaned as Magikarp forced its PokeBall open and flopped to the ground.

"Karp, karp! Magi-karp!" Before Tom could grab Magikarp and run, Jack called for Mudkip to use Bubble. The attack missed because Magikarp used Splash and flew up onto Tom's head. He threw the fish back into the battle.

"Magikarp, use Hyperbeam!" Tom yelled, but Magikarp didn't know Hyperbeam and continued splashing in the dirt.

"Mudkip, Water Gun!" The stream of water sent Magikarp spiraling into a tree.

"KARP!"

"Your Magikarp is unable to battle anymore, so I win!" Jack called as his returned the Mudkip to its PokeBall. "See you when you improve, if you can!" He began walking into the forest and toward the world that awaited him.

"You... you IDIOT!" Tom screamed, pointing at the unconscious fish. "I hate you Magikarp! I only have ¥500 left! I can't buy ANYTHING with that!" He returned the Pokemon to its ball and started walking toward Emerald Mold City again. He immediately found the Pokemon Center and healed Magikarp, although he had spent the entire trip debating whether he should or not. Then, upon leaving the building...

"KARP!" The Pokemon broke free of its PokeBall and flopped around in Tom's backpack, soaking all of his clothes and guidebooks.

"Why, Magikarp? Why do you have to ruin everything?"

"Karp? Karp-karp-Magikarp." Tom groaned and continued through the town to Route 572. From far way he could see a sign; maybe it was a Trainer Tip that could help him find a way to keep the stupid fish in its PokeBall. But no. The road was closed. No route, no Pokemon; no Pokemon, no battles; no battles, no victory, no money. Tom howled in anger and tossed the stress ball he'd brought past the caution sign. At least, he thought it was his stress ball... The PokeBall hit a tree and hit something in the tall grass. With a flash of light, the ball disappeared. Tom waited, ecstatic that the reign of Magikarp was about to end. He counted to ten before walking into the grass to retrieve the ball.

'Bye-bye, Magikarp!' Tom thought, throwing the PokeBall to see his new Pokemon. It opened and, in less than three seconds, Tom's hope evaporated. Sitting on a boulder on the other side of the clearing was an Abra.

"Karp? Magi-Magikarp." The Abra did not respond, but continued its nap instead. Tom scowled and clenched his fists as a vein popped out of his forehead.

"Can't I catch any decent Pokemon?" he yelled. The Abra woke up and teleported to the far side of the road. "Wait, come back! Don't run away!" It fled again, this time into the tall grass. Tom crept toward its hiding place before returning it to its PokeBall.

"Magikarp," the orange Pokemon remarked, flopping lazily in the backpack.

"Well, at least you aren't a coward," Tom sighed, attaching the PokeBall to his weird magnetic belt. "But it might be because you have no way to run..."

"Karp."

"I guess we're going on Route 312, then. Let's go." Tom walked back through Emerald Mold City to the open route on the other side. He came to the Crimson Fjord River and took off his backpack, then dumped Magikarp into the water. Tom watched in disbelief as the fish sank. "But you're a water Pokemon! You have gills! SWIM!"

"Karp, karp, kwarp, warp, arp..." Bubbles started rising to the surface, and Tom reached into the river to retrieve Magikarp. "Magi-karp." The fish sighed and relaxed on the river bank. Tom growled and stuffed the fish back into his backpack, which he balanced on top of his head.

"You're useless Magikarp."

"Karp."

"How are you ever going to win any battles if you can't attack? You can't even swim! And if you don't win, you'll never evolve!" The Pokemon stayed silent and motionless in the bag, resting precariously over the water in the bag. "Do you want to be called useless forever? Do you want to always lose?" Magikarp still didn't speak, but simply waited for its master's harangue to end. After all, there was nothing it could do to make things better; it was just a Magikarp.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks again to Joe P. and Sam S. for their contributions to this amazing story. The story of Tom Ato would not exist without you. Continue the Karp Fest!**

Tom continued to walk down Route 312 to Hard Rock City, and Magikarp continued to flop around in the backpack. After walking down the path for quite a while, he turned when he heard a twig snap. Suddenly, there was a rustling sound in the grass. Tom paused and grabbed Abra's PokeBall, ready for battle.

'Wait, what am I getting worked up for?' he thought, watching the tall grass to his right warily. 'I wouldn't be able to battle and catch it, anyway, with Abra and... Magikarp.' The grass rustled again and, despite knowing his pitiful circumstances, Tom paused. He felt his spirits rise again and he felt the same surge of excitement he'd had when his mother had told him he could finally be a Pokemon trainer four years after all of his friends had left. He grinned when a small, green Caterpie scuttled out of the tall grass.

"Pie?" It seemed surprised that he had stopped walking, and it tried to flee back into the grass.

'Maybe... I can try to catch it,' he told himself, readying a PokeBall. He threw it at the bug Pokemon and held his breath. The PokeBall opened up to let Caterpie in, and it wriggled a little, then stopped moving. Tom bent to pick it up, but it began to squirm once more. One... two... three! Caterpie was caught! Tom smiled; for the second time since he had met Magikarp he had hope. He laughed and picked up the PokeBall.

"Now to meet my new Pokemon!" he said happily.

"K-karp." Magikarp flopped around in the backpack and turned away from Tom.

"Ha!" He tossed the PokeBall across the dirt path and in a flash of light, Caterpie appeared. It looked curiously up at Tom. "Welcome to the party!" He held out his hand to the bug. Caterpie glanced at his outstretched hand and blinked its big black eyes at Tom, then it stood up to its full height.

"Pie. Cat-er-pie." Tom furrowed his brow as he watched his new Pokemon.

"Caterpie... you okay?" he asked, kneeling down in the dirt further. Caterpie began to cover itself with a white goop that flowed from its mouth. Tom shook his head and tried to stop the Pokemon. "No! No! NOT YET! I NEED YOU!" But it was too late. Tom looked down at his new Pokemon.

"Congratulations!" a voice exclaimed from somewhere above Tom. "Your Caterpie evolved into Metapod!" He wrapped his arms around the cocoon and tilted his head towards the heavens. He let out a raspy gasp for breath and screamed, possibly louder than he ever had before.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Magikarp turned back to face Tom, its whiskers raised in a creepy smile.

"K-karp, k-k-karp."

"ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?" Tom yelled, the vein in his forehead pulsating again.

"Karp."

"Whatever. Let's just go." Tom recalled Metapod, and he and his team walked off into the sunset.

The next day was hard, and Tom had no luck at all. He sat moodily by Lake Placid and watched the furious Gyaradoses chase after and eat the Ninjasks that flew around the lake. Occasionally he would glance up into the trees to try to spot another Pokemon he could catch, maybe a Pidgey. Since this approach didn't seem to be working, he got off his high rock and started down Route 312 again.

"Well, I guess I should train the Pokemon I have. Maybe they'll become stronger if I do that. Get out of the frickin' bag, Magikarp. Let's go."

"Karp... karp... karp."

"First of all, you're going to learn how to swim, you piece of shit."

"KARP!" Magikarp flopped up into the air and landed on Tom's head, then began smacking him with its tail fin.

"Get off!" Tom grabbed the fish and launched it into the water. "Move that stupid tail of yours and try to float."

"Karp... karp... kwarp... warp... arp... rrrr..." Bubbles began to rise to the surface and Tom reached into the water to grab the pathetic fish Pokemon.

Three days later, Tom woke up and turned to look at the lake. Magikarp was weakly paddling around in the shallow water, occasionally flopping over and floating on its side in exhaustion.

"Karp karp."

"Oh my god! Magikarp, you're a fish! You can swim!" Tom shouted in shock, blinking in the bright sunlight.

"Karp karp."

"Don't look so smug. You still suck."

"Karp." Magikarp burst out of the water and slammed into Tom.

"Ow, that fucking hurt!" Tom complained as strange music began to play in the background. "Where's that coming from?"

"Karp, karp?" It took Tom a few minutes to realize that Magikarp had learned Tackle. After the idiotic song had finally stopped playing, Tom laughed at the fact that he finally had a Pokemon that knew how to attack. He needed to train his other Pokemon so he wouldn't have to depend on Magikarp.

"Okay, come out here, Metapod." It glared at Tom with one eye and maintained its silence.

"Karp."

"Magikarp, use Tackle on Metapod, and Metapod, use Harden!"

"Karp... karp!" Magikarp smashed into Metapod.

"Magikarp is unable to battle," a voice announced.

"Where the fuck is that coming from?" Tom turned around toward the sound of the voice and, upon seeing no one, shrugged. "Damn it, Magikarp. You lost by attacking! You learned TACKLE, not Take Down, you dim-wit. How's this going to work?"

"Karp."

Another day passed before Magikarp learned how to Tackle without knocking itself out. Not all was lost, however. Metapod, the quiet but stuck-up Pokemon, still knew String Shot, and this meant great things for Tom's team. He enjoyed spending time with his Pokemon, and with his newfound confidence he felt he could become strong... or still suck.

In the middle of a heated battle between motionless Metapod and sleeping Abra, something wandered into the clearing and started watching Tom and his Pokemon cautiously. Tom ordered for Metapod to use String Shot on Abra as it teleported around the area at the same time that the intruder stepped out of the trees.

"I'm not even going to ask where the string comes from..." Tom commented, laughing as sticky white string covered Abra and cemented it to the ground.

"Psy... duck duck." Tom didn't notice the new Pokemon and Magikarp was chilling out in the water, watching the battle on the shore. "Psy?" Psyduck walked over to Tom's backpack while watching the battle to make sure the human wouldn't notice its arrival. It picked up one of Tom's empty PokeBalls and bit into it.

"Karp!" Magikarp saw Psyduck and used Tackle to stop the thief. The PokeBall flew out of Psyduck's mouth and hit Tom in the back of the head.

"What the fu..."

"Karp!"

"The wild Psyduck is unable to battle!" the mysterious voice yelled, and this time Tom didn't care where it was coming from. His attention was focused on the scratched up Psyduck laying sadly in the dirt.

"Oh my god! A real Pokemon!" Tom screamed, grabbing an empty PokeBall off of his magnetic belt. It hit Psyduck in the head and opened up. One... two... three! The annoying music started playing behind Tom again. Psyduck was caught! "YES! Come on out!" Tom turned on his PokeDex and found out that Psyduck knew Tackle, Frustration, Water Gun, and Bind. As he started reading the other information recorded about Psyduck, the yellow Pokemon started coughing.

"Karp? Magi-magi-karp!"

"Oh, great. I got the sick one. Of course I did," Tom grumbled, returning the PokeDex to his pocket.

"Duck... Duck..." Psyduck coughed, its eyes bulging in its head. Magikarp used Tackle on Psyduck again, and this time again something small and silver flew out of its mouth. It hit Abra in the head and landed in front of it. Before Tom could call to it, Abra picked up the item and began to glow. The music started playing behind Tom again.

"Abra learned Hidden Power!" the voice shouted, and Tom picked up a rock and threw it in the direction it was coming from.

"I guess that was a TM," Tom said, deciding he would ignore the music and voice from now on. "Well, welcome to the group of losers, Psyduck."

"Duck?" It shot a stream of water at Tom and sent him crashing into a tree.

"Karp karp karp."

"I guess you think this is funny," Tom hissed angrily as Magikarp continued laughing. "I'm tired of being here, so it's time to go get a badge!"

"Karp karp!"

"I hear you. But first, let's see Abra's new move. Abra, use Hidden Power on that tree over there!" Abra raised its left hand, and a flash of energy shot out of it and blasted into the tree. Tom was pleased at all of the progress they had made over the past few days, but he still knew that his Pokemon sucked Ultra Balls.

The walk back to Hard Rock City was fun now that he had more Pokemon, all of which walked along with Tom, except for the lazy Abra. He was challenged by two trainers along the way: one trainer had a Charmander and a Vulpix, and the other had a Ditto (Magikarp barely won that battle). Tom won both and walked away with over ¥2,000 total. Tom found the Pokemon Center again, wanting only to rest up for the battle at the gym the next day. As he walked out of the building and started looking for a cheap motel, Tom saw Jack coming toward him. Jack glanced at the new PokeBalls attached to Tom's belt and grinned.

"I see that fish of yours can do something after all," he teased, showing off his collection of four PokeBalls.

"I'll show you!" Tom yelled, grabbing his first PokeBall.

"Are you challenging me?" Jack laughed, a bag of coins clanking in his pocket. Obviously Jack had been winning a lot more battles than Tom had.

"Yes. Bring it on," Tom answered flatly as they started walking away from the building and into an open area at the edge of the city.

"Fine, we'll go three-on-three," Jack yelled, tossing a PokeBall onto the battlefield. "Come on out, Mudkip!"

"Abra, work your magic!"

"Karp, karp!"

"Not you!" Tom called, but it was too late. He returned Abra to its PokeBall. "Fine, I guess you can fight."

"Mudkip, use Water Gun!" Jack beamed as a powerful stream of water flowed out of its mouth.

"Use Splash!"

"Karp karp Magikarp!" Mudkip's attack missed and flooded the area, allowing Magikarp to flop in actual water instead of dirt.

"Follow up with Hyperbeam! Never mind, just use Tackle!"

"ARGH! Mudkip, use Mud-Slap!" Jack raged as his hopes of having a completely attack-less opponent dissolved.

"Tackle again, Magikarp!" It slammed into Mudkip and splashed up and down in victory.

"Mudkip is unable to battle!" the voice called from the sky.

"Return, Mudkip! Go, Spearow! Use Peck!"

"Magikarp, use Tackle again!" Magikarp let out a gasp of terror as it soared through the air and into Tom's arms. "You're such a drama queen."

"K... arp."

"Magikarp is unable to battle!"

"Good job, Magikarp. Go sit over there for a few minutes since you refuse to return to your PokeBall... Let's try this again, Abra!"

"Spearow, use Wing Attack!"

"Abra, use Teleport, then counter with Hidden Power!" Tom screamed as Abra disappeared and materialized at random spots on the battlefield.

"Keep after it with Quick Attack!"

"Use Teleport again!" But Abra wasn't fast enough; Spearow knocked it off of the rock it was sitting on and Abra dropped into the grass off to the side. Tom walked toward it and returned it to its PokeBall.

"Abra is unable to battle!"

"I KNOW! Shit, I guess you're my last hope, Psyduck. Go!"

"Duck, du-ck," it coughed, much to Jack's amusement.

"Ha ha ha! You're using that pathetic thing? How sad!"

"Psyduck, use Water Gun!"

"Use Double Team, Spearow!"

"Psyduck, you have to hit it! Use Frustration, followed by Tackle!" Spearow gave a small chirp before it was knocked out of the air.

"Spearow is unable to battle!"

"Fine, your turn, Pichu! Use Spark!"

"Damn. Psyduck, use Bind, but hold the energy!"

"Psy-aii-aii-duck! Psy-aii-aii!" Pichu's attack hit Psyduck, but it did damage to both Pokemon.

"Now use Quick Attack, Pichu!" Jack smiled; he knew it was over.

"Use Frustation, Psyduck!"

"Duck?"

"Psyduck is unable to battle! Trainer Jack wins the battle!"

"Ha ha ha, why didn't you use Water Gun, you idiot?" Jack teased as he returned his cheering Pichu to its PokeBall. "That was a good fight, though. Seems like your pathetic Magikarp finally got a little stronger." Jack stuck out his tongue and walked back to the Pokemon Center, and Tom followed a short time later. He healed his Pokemon and ran back into the forest. He sat on a tree trunk and stared into the darkness.

"Well, we did okay, but not great. At least we're getting better," he muttered to himself as Magikarp flopped around in his lap.

"Karp, karp."

"You did great for a piece of shit," Tom said, laughing at the fish's expressionless face.

"Karp karp karp."

"Tomorrow we'll be fighting Kevin, the gym leader at the Rock Hard Gym in Hard Rock City. Come on out, all of you. Metapod, you're a punching bag, so I'm going to make you one. See that tree? Use String Shot to latch onto one of the branches and use Harden as many times as you can; then Magikarp, Psyduck, and Abra will hit you. Got it?" Metapod glared at Tom with one eye, then carried out its trainer's orders. Although it seemed mean, Tom's plan worked out great. They continued training even after the sun had set, until Tom felt they were ready to take on Kevin the next day.

"KARP!"

"Magikarp, use Tackle again!" Metapod released a purple powder all over Magikarp that caused the Pokemon to pause and shudder in pain. Tom checked his PokeDex, which showed that Metapod had learned Poison Powder.

"KARP! KARP!"

"Alright, good job everyone. Let's stop training for tonight and go find somewhere to sleep." Tom led his team back to Hard Rock City and healed them at the Pokemon Center, then paid for a room at a nearby motel. He couldn't wait until the next day.

At daybreak Tom rushed over to the Rock Hard Gym to challenge Kevin. The gym leader was late and reluctant to accept Tom's challenge, but after four hours of pleas and threats the guards finally let him into the gym. Kevin took out his first PokeBall and tossed it into the arena lazily, sure that he would win.

"Go, Geodude. Let's get this over with, kid."

"Go, Abra!"

"Let the battle begin!" the announcer called, waving green flags toward both trainers.

"Geodude, use Rock Smash."

"Use Teleport, Abra! Then use Hidden Power!" The battle went on for some time: the slow Geodude tried to attack and Abra fled whenever it got close, then it used Hidden Power, which did almost no damage to Geodude.

"Keeping playing tag with it, Geodude."

"Dude."

"Use Hidden Power one more time!"

"Geodude is... finally... unable to battle!"

"Fine. Go, Nosepass." Kevin was still bored out of his mind, and he struggled to stay awake as the battle continued.

"Abra, use Hidden Power!"

"Nosepass, use Rock Slide." Abra didn't move in time and was crushed under the pile of rocks.

"Abra is able to battle!"

"Shut up, dude! Go, Magikarp! Use Tackle!" Nosepass was sent flying into the pile of rocks, and several loose boulders landed on top of it and pounded it into the ground.

"Nosepass is unable to battle?" The announcer glanced over at the fallen Pokemon again and shrugged before raising his red flag.

"How the hell did that happen?" Kevin asked, angry that he'd been disturbed when he was so close to sleep.

"Heh, yeah. I'm great, I know." Magikarp splashed dirt up into Tom's face.

"Karp!"  
"Fine! You're the greatest, just STOP IT!" Tom fumed, kicking dirt back at Magikarp. "Always so smug, huh?"

"Karp! Magi-magi-karp!"

"Whatever. Here's my last one. Go, Onix! Take this loser down."

"Come back, Magikarp. Go, Metapod!" From here the battle went very slowly, with Metapod slowing Onix down with String Shot and eventually poisoning it. (After nearly an hour, Onix managed to beat the shit out of Metapod. What did you think would happen?)

"Metapod is... thank GOD... finally unable to battle!"

"Alright! Go, Psyduck! Use Water Gun!" Onix watched in terror as the stream of water flew through the air. Suddenly...

"Onix is unable to battle! Pokemon Trainer Tom won the battle!" Kevin scowled and returned Onix to its PokeBall.

"That was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen! I can't believe I lost to you! Don't use Tackle on a rock Pokemon, you imbecile!"

"Psy? Psy-aii-aii-duck!" Kevin glowered at Psyduck and walked over to Tom, then handed him his first badge.

"This is the Dirt Clod Badge. You can now use Cut outside of battle. Good luck finding the HM 951, though."

"Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-duck!" Psyduck jumped up and grabbed the badge and... swallowed it.

"NOOOOOOO! Give it b-aaaack!" Tom began stomping up and down like a five-year-old and pounded Psyduck on top of the head.

"Psyduck is unable to battle!" the announcer shouted, waving a red flag in Tom's direction.

"Shut up! The battle ended five minutes ago!"

"Security, please escort this FREAK out of my gym."


	3. Chapter 3

** Once again, thanks to Joe P. and Sam S. for helping me to recount the tale of the legendary Tom Ato. Are you ready? Continue the Karp Fest!**

After healing his pathetic Pokemon team, Tom started the walk to Turquoise Puddle City through Route 91_i_. On the way, he found a TM 2,973 (Self Destruct) on the ground. He sat on a boulder about halfway down the path, and realized it was really a Geodude when it sprayed him with sand. He collapsed on the ground and Magikarp sprang out of its PokeBall, and released the others, as well.

"Karp, karp. Magi-ka-rp, karp."

"To dream the impossible dream."

"Karp."

"To fight the unbeatable foe."

"Karp."

"To bear with unbearable sorrow."

"...*snore*..." added Abra.

"To run where the brave dare not go."

"Karp, karp-karp-karp."

"Yes."

"Karp, Magikarp karp."

"Duck."

"To try when your arms are too weary; to reach the unreachable star!" Suddenly, a rock flew out of nowhere and hit Tom in the head.

"Shut the fuck up! This is not a musical!"

As they continued their journey to Turquoise Puddle City, Tom, still angry about the unexpected musical moment, thought about how he could battle the Pokemon at the Waterlog Gym.

"Guess we're gonna have to train some more."

"Karp karp."

"Yes, Magikarp... You have to train, too. You're not all-powerful like you think you..."

"Charrrr!"

"Wow, a Charmander! This is my lucky day!" Tom sent out Psyduck and used Water Gun followed by Tackle to weaken the wild Pokemon. Just before Tom threw his PokeBall, Charmander used Tackle and sent Psyduck flying into Tom. The PokeBall flew out of his hand and hit the Charmander. One... two... three... The PokeBall popped back open and the wild Charmander fled. However, the PokeBall was nowhere to be seen and... The creepy music started playing in the background again. "What the fuck did I catch?"

"Psy-aii-aii-duck."

"Come out here, whatever you are," Tom shouted, throwing the PokeBall once he'd found it. A Slakoth appeared in a flash of light and yawned before going back to sleep. Tom returned the Pokemon to its PokeBall and fumed at his own lucklessness. "I shouldn't have cursed myself..." He checked his PokeDex, which showed that Slakoth knew Yawn, Rest, Leer, and Pluck.

"Psyduck has forgotten Bind, and Psyduck has learned Swallow!" the mysterious voice announced, causing Tom to jump.

"Great! I got another shit-filled Pokemon and now the eating-machine can eat me, too! Why the fuck can't you learn Spit Up?"

"Psy-aii-DUCK!" it coughed, watching Tom with its big, expressionless eyes.

"Whatever, come back, Psyduck." He returned it to its PokeBall and started to reach for Magikarp's PokeBall, too.

"Karp karp karp Magikarp!"

"Fine, fine! You can stay out! Just don't slow me down, Magikarp!"

"Karp!"

Soon after, Tom's team resumed its training session from the day before. Again, Metapod was the punching bag, now with four Pokemon trying to knock it out of the tree; Magikarp repeatedly used Tackle, Psyduck used Water Gun, Slakoth used Pluck, and Abra used Hidden Power. The endless fight continued throughout the day and deep into the night.

"Okay, we're going back to walking. I'm sick of this place." Without Tom knowing, Slakoth was perched on top of his backpack and sleeping soundly. After about a mile of walking, Tom tripped over something and fell to the ground. Slakoth kept sleeping, undisturbed and unnoticed, next to Magikarp on the bag.

"Karp, karp, karp!"

"Shut up! I know I fell down, Magikarp, and it really hurt! What the fuck did I trip over?"

"Karp?" Tom looked behind him and found a big, blue metallic egg laying in the middle of the dirt path.

"That's weird... I always thought Pokemon were mammals."

"Slak...OTH," Slakoth yawned, opening one eye to find out why everyone was making so much noise.

"Why are you back there? Anyway, can you hold the egg while you hang onto my backpack?" Slakoth didn't answer, but Tom slid the egg into its arms and got off the ground to continue the trip to Turquoise Puddle City. On his journey Tom battled many trainers; although he lost most of the battles, the trainers didn't take his money because they felt sorry for his weak and badly beaten Pokemon. The few battles he managed to win only helped him _believe_ that he was a good trainer. Finally, he reached the Pokemon Center in the new city. With his Pokemon healed, he wanted to go back to Route 91_i_ and train more. On his way out of the city, a man dressed in a pink, green, and blue sparkling Elvis costume stopped him.

"I challenge YOOOOU!" he yelled, pointing at Tom, who stifled a laugh as best as he could.

"Yeah, whatever."

"Karp karp!"

"Ha ha, nice one, Magikarp! Let's see what you've learned! Go, Magikarp!"

"Hmph. Fine, go, Rai-Rai! Use Thunder!"

"Magikarp, use Splash!"  
"Karp karp!"

"Magikarp is unable to battle!" the mysterious voice announced, and Tom scowled as he dragged the unconscious Magikarp off of the battlefield.

"Go, Psyduck!"

"THUUUUNDER!"

"Use Water Gun!"

"Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-duck!"

"Psyduck is unable to battle!"

"Shit! Uh, go, Slakoth! Use Leer, then Rest!"

"Rai-Rai, Slam."

"Use Leer again!" Tom's voice became filled with desperation; there was no way he was going to lose to this freak!

"Hyperbeam!" The Elvis impersonator giggled at the horrified look on Tom's face.

"Slakoth is unable to battle!"

"Abra, try not to die!" The little brown and black Pokemon simply continued to sleep, uncaring about what was going on around it. "Use Hidden Power!"

"Raichu must recharge!" the mysterious voice announced and, for the first time, Tom was glad to hear it.

"Use Hidden Power again!"

"Use Thunder!"

"Teleport, then Hidden Power!"

"Use Slam, Rai-Rai!"

"Abra is unable to battle!"

"Go, Metapod! Use String Shot on Raichu, then use Poison Powder!"

"Thunder!"

"Harden!"

"Use Double Team to throw the goop off, Rai-Rai!"

"Raichu is hurt by poison! Raichu is unable to battle! Pokemon Trainer Tom won the battle!"

"You have not heard the last of Dick N. Cider!" the man screamed as he ran into the woods, nearly tripping on his platform shoes.

"Later, loser!" Tom yelled after him as he returned Metapod to its PokeBall and grabbed Magikarp.

"Karp karp karp."

"Yeah, I'm glad that's over. We almost lost to that weirdo. How's the egg?"

"The egg is fine, but nothing is happening!" the voice said, and Tom snorted.

"Okay, whatever. Why is it that voice sounds like the guy from Movie Phone? Anyway, it's time to train some more, everyone!"

"Karp karp!"

"Right. I should heal you first. I forgot."

The training session didn't take long; Metapod tired fast. Soon, the day came to an end as Tom walked back to the Pokemon Center to take a rest. He fell asleep on one of the couches in the waiting room while Nurse Joy clone #72 healed his Pokemon. When he woke up the next morning, his Pokemon were sitting around the shaking egg on the coffee table.

"It's going to hatch! I wonder what Pokemon it's going to be."

"Karp, Magikarp."

"How do you do that? Why can't you just stay in your PokeBall?" Magikarp laughed as Tom reached for its PokeBall and found only the top half of it. "What the hell did you do, you stupid fish?"

"Karp, k-arp, k-karp."

"The egg is starting to hatch! You are the proud owner of a Beldum!" the voice announced from the ceiling. Tom wondered if it was coming from the intercom.

"BEL!" the blue-gray Pokemon screeched, bouncing up and down on the table and finally breaking it. Tom threw a PokeBall and caught Beldum and returned the others to their PokeBalls before running out the door. He didn't want to pay for the broken table. Once outside, Tom checked his PokeDex and found that Beldum only knew Take Down.

"That's okay, I guess. I'm just going to have to be careful with it, then."

"Karp, karp!"

"Okay, let's go to the gym!" The Waterlog Gym was full of amazing water Pokemon. With Azumarills, Gyaradoses, and even a Vaporeon, this gym was definitely more impressive than Kevin's in Hard Rock City. The gym leader, Drizzle, was prepared to take on challengers when Tom arrived, which pleased Tom to no end.

"Go, Magie!" the gym leader yelled as his PokeBall opened to reveal a weak-looking Magikarp.

"Uh, Magikarp?" Magikarp sprang out of Tom's backpack and joined the battle. "No, damn it! I didn't choose you!"

"Karp, karp."

"Karp karp! Magikarp!"

"Use Splash, Magie!"

"Use Tackle, Magikarp!"

"Magie is unable to battle!" the announcer yelled, holding up a red flag on Drizzle's side.

"Great, another one," Tom grumbled at the announcer, watching Magikarp do a victory splash in the water.

"Wow, that's a strong Magikarp! We'll see exactly how strong it is! Go, Wingull! Use Peck!"

"Use Tackle, Magikarp!"

"Wing Attack, Wingull!"

"Magikarp is unable to battle! What a surprise..."

"Oh, shut up! Go, Beldum! Use Take Down!"

"Both Wingull and Beldum are unable to battle!"

"Ha ha! Very strong! Go, Golduck! Show this kid what water can really do!"

"Go, Abra! Use Hidden Power!"

"Use Confusion, Golduck!"

"Teleport, then use Hidden Power again!"

"Finish it, Golduck! Use Brine!"

"Abra is uable to battle!"

"Go, Slakoth! Use Yawn, and hang in there!'

"Use Confusion, Golduck!"

"The attack missed!" the announcer shouted, watching the battle with disinterest.

"Slakoth, use Leer! A lot!"

"Golduck, use Brine!"

"Slak...oth," Tom's Pokemon yawned as it scratched its head. Golduck fell asleep on the platform.

"Keep using Leer, Slakoth!"

"Golduck woke up!" the announcer yelled, checking his watch and grabbing his bologna and cheese sandwich.

"Golduck, use Wake-Up Slap!"

"Slakoth is unable to battle!"

"Go, Psyduck!"

"Duck! Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-duck!"

"Brine!"

"Psyduck is unable to battle!"  
"Psy-aii-ai... duck," it coughed as Tom returned it to its PokeBall.

"Go, Metapod! Use Poison Powder!"

"Use Wake-Up Slap!"

"Harden, Harden, Harden!" Tom just had to wait the battle out until Golduck fainted from the poison. After a few more minutes of ineffective hits and using Harden, Golduck finally fainted.

"Golduck is unable to battle! Pokemon Trainer Tom wins the battle!"

"That was a great battle, Tom!" Drizzle said sarcastically. "Here's your Golden Showers Badge!" Psyduck burst out of its PokeBall and grabbed the badge, then bit into it before deciding to swallow it whole.

"NOOOOO!"

"Duck. Psy-duck." While Tom was mourning his lost badge, the annoying music started playing in the background.

"Metapod is evolving!" the phantom voice said, causing the gym announcer to drop his sandwich in the pool. "Congratulations! Your Metapod evolved into Butterfree! Butterfree learned Silver Wind! Butterfree learned Confusion!"

"Yes! Finally!"

"Free free!" Then, for no apparent reason, Butterfree started glowing again and turned back into Metapod, and it immediately forgot its new attacks.

"What the hell happened? Is that even possible?"

"I didn't think so until this moment... Honestly, I have to say... I'm absolutely disgusted that I lost to you, but I pity you," Drizzle confessed as he began to walk back to his chair at the other end of the gym.

"Karp, karp-Magi-Magi-KARP!"

"You tell him Magikarp!"

"Get your Magikrap out of my gym or I'll spray you!" Tom stared at Drizzle during the long, awkward pause that followed.

"Uh, with what? You know, you're really creepy. I think we'll leave now." Tom carried his pathetic army of Pokemon out of the gym and, on the way to the door, Magikarp spewed yellow-green acidic water all over the floor.

"Nice," Drizzle sneered, ordering one of his guards to clean it up before it ate through the expensive wooden floor.

"Yes, it is, isn't it?" Tom and Magikarp laughed as they left. They went to the Pokemon Center, where they spent the night celebrating their close victory.

The next morning, the team started the long trip north to Light Socket City, the home of the electric gym. As it turned out, Route (-b ± √(b2 – 4ac)/2a) was the most difficult yet, filled with terrifying Pidgeys, sadistic Weedles, and monstrous Jiggypuffs. After seventeen trips back to Turquoise Puddle City to heal, Tom and his team arrived in the next city. Upon realizing that the gym leader really did use only electric-type Pokemon, Tom returned to Route (-b ± √(b2 – 4ac)/2a) to do some more training. Day in, day out for four days they trained, switching between trying to batter Metapod and live prey. Finally, they were ready.

Tom strode into the gym and challenged the leader, Sparky. However, he had to play leap frog with Psyduck first. He shoved the Pokemon into the electric gate and hopped over, then told Psyduck to walk forward.

"Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-duck!" it screamed the second the current stopped coursing through its body.

"Delayed reaction," Tom commented, tossing a potion to Psyduck. It swallowed the item, glass and all, and thanked Tom with a bow.

"Wow, you're an idiot!" Sparky laughed, pointing at the little clouds of smoke drifting away from Psyduck. "You're definitely not the brightest bulb in the chandelier!"

"Shut up and go!"

"Go, Raichu!"

"Go, Metapod!"

"Double Team!"

"Metapod, String Shot into the rafters and swing like you know how to Tackle!" Sparky watched in confusion as Metapod glared at Tom for a moment, then obeyed the command. It swung higher and higher and higher, until it was moving faster than Raichu. It hit the electric Pokemon four times before they both fainted.

"Go, Jolteon!"

"It's your turn, Psyduck!"

"Come on! You're using a water Pokemon? You really are stupid!"

"That may be true, but this isn't just any water Pokemon: this is Psyduck!"

"Jolteon, Take Down!"

"Wait for it, Psyduck!"

"Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii!"

"Almost there!"

"Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii!"

"Swallow!"

"Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-*gulp*-duck!"

"Jolteon!"

"Jolteon is unable to battle! Pokemon Trainer Tom wins the battle!"

"Great job, Psyduck! You can spit it out now..."

"Psyduck is choking on Jolteon!" the announcer yelled enthusiastically.

"Shut the hell up! That's obvious, you dolt!"

"Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii!"

"Magikarp, use Tackle!" It slammed into Psyduck, who spit up Jolteon. The electric-type Pokemon shot out of its mouth, covered in think, mustard-yellow mucus. "Problem solved. Where's my badge?"

"Fine, loser! There you go!" Sparky tossed the badge to Tom, and Psyduck jumped up and caught it in its mouth. "... Whatever, freak. That WAS the Static Cling Badge. It makes all Pokemon up to level 30 obey you. Now get out!" Tom and his Pokemon cheered on the way to the Pokemon Center, and all the way to Route 3/(x-1). They took on a few wild Rattatas along the way, and their victories made them feel invincible.

Night fell before they reached Periwinkle Town, but they didn't mind sleeping outside under the stars... until it started to rain. At dawn, Tom started leading his team forward again, and about two miles from town they saw a man wheeling an orange and yellow cart around.

'Maybe he's selling food,' Tom thought, licking his lips as a picture of a hot dog popped into his mind. But as they got closer, Tom realized that the man wasn't selling food; hundreds of identical voices rose up into the air, creating a noise Tom never wanted to hear.

"Karp karp karp, Mag-i-karp. Karp karp karp, Magi-Magi-karp!" the cart sang, and Tom's vision began to blur.

"Karp?" Wait, did Magikarp sound worried? Then, above the chorus of Magikarps came a horrible sound, barely recognizable as the voice of a Pokemon.

"Feeb... Feeeeeb-as! Feeb-as, bas!"

"Welcome, young traveler! This is the Karp Cart! For only ¥1,500, you can have your very own pet Magikarp!"

"Karp?"

"No, I don't want another one, Magikarp..." Tom groaned, stumbling toward the cart.

"Karp, Magi-karp!"

"My name's Chuck Ato, and I'm here to serve you today! So, you wanna buy a Karp?" Tom froze and stared at the vendor, taking in his goofy grin and stupid fish hat.

"Chuck... Ato?" Tom said, and the world went black. When he came to a few minutes later, he was dripping wet and Magikarp was flopping on his chest.

"Are you okay?" Tom nodded weakly and looked around, glad to see that the mass of Magikarps was still in the Karp Cart.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Get off!" He shoved Magikarp off of his chest and sat up. "Chuck... Ato... You must be..."

"The best Magikarp vendor in the world!"

"No... You must be... my... dad." Tom burst into hysterical tears and started pounding the ground with his fists. "NOOOOO!" Chuck watched rather nonchalantly, much to Tom's surprise.

"I figured you'd be coming around soon... Your mom has a restraining order on me; she got it when I started going 'Karp Krazy,' as she called it."

'That's why she looked so horrified when I brought a Magikarp home,' Tom thought, glancing over at the huge, shaking cart.

"Do you want a Karp, Tom?"

"No, I already have one." Tom pulled out a tissue and blew his nose noisily.

"I see. So you're in the family business! Did you come find me so you could help me sell Magikarps? You can never have too many, you know."

"Yes, you can. I already HAVE too many."

"Karp!" Magikarp flopped away from Tom. It bounced next to the cart and waited, but nothing happened. "Karp karp karp, Mag-i-karp!" The cart suddenly vibrated like a washing machine as all of the Magikarps started splashing at once.

"KARP KARP KARP, MAGI-MAGI-KARP!" the cart roared. Tom jumped as his PokeDex beeped; he opened it cautiously. There on the screen were three words he never wanted to see: Magikarp learned Sing.

"Come on, take another Karp! They seem to love you!"

"I DON'T WANT ANOTHER MAGIKARP!"

"Okay, okay. If you give me a few hours, I can probably get you a Feebas, if you want one."

'Well, at least it's a new Pokemon...' Tom thought, then he nodded.

"Sure, Dad."


	4. Chapter 4

** Again I must thank Sam S. and Joe P. for their amazing contributions to the most epic Pokemon parody ever written. Without Joe's disturbed but hilarious ideas, Tom Ato's journey would be much more boring than it already is. Continue the Karp Fest! **

Tom patiently waited until his new-found father was out of sight before he sprinted down the path to the next town. Route 3/(x-1) seemed to stretch on forever, but Tom and his Pokemon never gave up. Along the way, they found bushes with delicious, bright red berries to satiate their hunger; however, they were nowhere near as agreeable as they looked. The next day was a slow-paced marathon, and the one after that was filled with training. He let Magikarp flop around in the mud while Abra and Metapod fought. Beldum and Psyduck teamed up against Slakoth in an attempt to get some effort out of the lazy Pokemon. These battles lasted for hours before one side would finally collapse, either from exhaustion or hunger. As the sun began to set, the obnoxious voice called out from the gathering darkness.

"Slakoth is evolving! Congratulations! Your Slakoth evolved into Vigoroth!"

"What? Yes! Today must be my lucky day!"

"Vigoroth forgot Rest, and Vigoroth learned Slash! Vigoroth forgot Yawn, and Vigoroth learned X-Scissor!" the voice continued, sounding more cheerful than Tom had ever heard it.

"ROTH!"

"Whoa, I like the power, but I think it's time to go back into your PokeBall..." Tom commented, slowly backing away from the hyperactive Pokemon.

"ROTH! ROTH!"

"Fine, let's see what you can do first! Metapod, use Harden!" Tom called as the cocoon Pokemon focused its right eye on Tom angrily. "Vigoroth, use Slash!"

"ROTH!"

"Metapod is unable to battle!"

"Damn! You split him in two!" Tom gasped as he watched the two identical halves of the bug fall backward onto the ground, just like in a badly-made samurai movie.

"Congratulations! Your Metapod evolved into Butterfree! Butterfree learned Silver Wind!"

"Oh, he evolved. Guess he's not dead."

"FREE!"

"Okay, okay. Everyone, get back in your PokeBalls!"

"Karp."

"Fine, you can stay."

"Karp."

The next day, Tom faced several other trainers, but they were no match for the teamwork of energetic Vigoroth and indefatigable Magikarp. After spending a week on Route 3/(x-1), Tom finally arrived in Floater Ridge, a small town without a gym near the southern sea. Tom hurried to the Pokemon Center to heal his team. Inside the building, there was a man who was being escorted out for screaming advertisements for the Pokemon eating contest that would take place in an hour on the beach.

'Who the hell are these people?' Tom thought as he pictured an elderly man eating a fried Pidgey. 'I have to see this.' It wasn't until he arrived at the registration table that he realized that the Pokemon ate hot dogs for one minute to win prizes, and that no one wanted to buy his Magikarp for a cook-out. At the last minute, he decided to enter Psyduck in the contest; at least he wouldn't have to feed it today.

"Okay, Psyduck. You're going to eat all of the hot dogs, got it?"

"Ps- Psy... duck?" it coughed, its big blank eyes fixed on the area just past Tom's right ear.

"Good. Go get 'em, Psyduck!"

The contest started with a Snorlax that shoveled the hot dogs into its mouth by the dozens, but fell asleep about halfway through. Next, a Mamoswine plunged into the mountain of hot dogs and broke through the table with its tusks. After the table was replaced, a Munchlax owned by Jack Offer stepped onto the platform and stuffed its face until bits of buns dangled from the corners of its mouth. At last, Psyduck was called onto the stage. It spent the first few seconds staring out at the audience, then looked over at Tom in confusion.

"Use Swallow!" Tom whispered, and Psyduck opened its mouth and bit a massive hole in the table. Luckily, some of the hot dogs were devoured along with the wood.

"Stop!" the judge called after the minute was over, and stage assistants began counting the remaining hot dogs. An electronic score board by the exit showed the scores: Snorlax 516, Mamoswine 658, Munchlax 573, Psyduck 656.

"Damn it," Tom hissed as he walked over to the prize table.

"For winning second, place, Tom Ato gets an Everstone!" The judge bent to give the stone to Psyduck, but Tom stopped him just as Psyduck had opened its mouth.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you. I'll take that, thanks." Psyduck looked up at Tom in mock disappointment as the judge strode over to the third place platform. "Here, Vigoroth. You're never going to evolve 'cause, if you do, you'll be totally useless again."

"Tom Ato gave Vigoroth the Everstone to hold!" the mysterious voice announced from behind the curtains on the stage. Tom rushed over to find out who had been following him, but there was only a stone wall.

"That's really creepy. Let's get going."

"Psy... Psy... DUCK!" The yellow Pokemon grabbed at its throat and spun around in circles.

"Are you okay? Don't do that! You're going to...!"

"Bleh... Duck?"

"EWWW! YOU'RE DISGUSTING!"

"Duck?"

"Psyduck forgot Tackle, and Psyduck learned Spit Up!"

"Joy to the world," Tom said sarcastically as he returned Psyduck to its PokeBall.

"Karp karp karp-karp!"

"I wasn't singing, you ridiculous dunderhead!" Tom pulled out his town map and began searching for the next stop with a gym when Jack Offer walked over and slapped him in the back of the head.

"Hey, Tom! What're ya doing?"

"Plotting an escape route far away from you! What do you want?"

"I want a rematch. My Pokemon are uber next to yours."

"Whatever. You're going to pay for last time!"

"If you say so, loser. Go, Munchlax!"

"Let's go, Vigoroth! Use Slash!"

"Stockpile!"

"Munchlax is unable to battle," the disembodied voice called from somewhere to Tom's left.

"Uh... Go Ninetales! Flamethrower! Burn these fools to a crisp!"

"X-Scissor, Vigoroth!"

"Quick Attack!"

"Vigoroth is unable to battle!"

"Get 'em, Psyduck! Use Water Gun! And try to keep the rest of your lunch down!"

"Use Roar!"

"Psyduck fled from battle! Butterfree was dragged out!"

"Flamethrower!"

"Use Silver Wing, Butterfree!"

"Butterfree is unable to battle!"

"Let's try this again, Psyduck! Use Water Gun!"

"Ninetales is unable to battle!"

"You're sick, Tom! Water Gun does NOT have pieces of hot dog bun in it!"

"Damn it, Psyduck! Why don't you ever listen?"

"Duck? Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-duck?"

"Go, Mudkip!"

"You and your Mudkip. Pfft."

"Use Mudshot!"

"Use Swallow, then Spit Up!" Psyduck obeyed, but Mudkip's spikes and crest got stuck in Psyduck's mouth. Jack and Tom had to pause the battle and pull their Pokemon apart.

"Both Pokemon are unable to battle!"

"Shit. Go, Abra!"

"Sparrow!"

"Use Hidden Power!"

"Fly!"

"Abra is unable to battle!"

"Go, Beldum! Use Take Down!"

"Both Pokemon are unable to battle!"

"Let's end this mess, Pikachu!"

"Magikarp, I never thought I would say this, but... You're my last hope!" The fish soared out of the backpack and onto the wet sand, where it flopped hopelessly.

"Pikachu, use Thunderbolt!"

"Sing your heart out, Magikarp!"

"Karp-karp, karp karp karp karp KARP!"

"Don't do opera!"

"Pikachu fell asleep?" the voice declared, sounding somewhat confused.

"What the fuck, man? Magikarp can't learn Sing!"

"I know, I hate it too. Magikarp, use Tackle!"

"Karp! Karp!"

"Tackle! Then Tackle again, and again!"

"Pikachu woke up!"  
"About time! What took you so long?"

"Chuuuuu."

"PLEASE use Thunderbolt! I don't want to lose to a frickin' Magikarp!"

"Splash to get away!"

"Nothing happened!"

"Quick Attack, Pikachu!"

"Tackle it again!"

"Pikachu is unable to battle! Trainer Tom wins the battle!"

"Ha! I finally BEAT you, Jack Offer!"

"Don't rub it in too deep, or it'll come back to bite you in the ass." Jack scowled and recalled his unconscious Pikachu to its PokeBall before storming back to the Pokemon Center in Floater Ridge. Tom followed only after he was sure that Jack had left. After taking a quick rest, Tom set off toward Periwinkle Town, with his head held high and Magikarp sitting proudly in his backpack.

Tom strolled leisurely down Route -17, gazing up at the clear, blue sky as he went. He walked into a small forest and started looking for a place to catch more Pokemon. Abra spontaneously popped out of its PokeBall, fully awake, and started doing yoga. Magikarp catapulted itself out of the backpack and into the closest tree.

"Wow, that was random. Guess I got a flying fish."

"A... BRA!" It twisted itself like a pretzel, then stretched out its hand and blasted a hole in the branches of the tree Magikarp had disappeared into.

"Karp, karp kwarp, warp!" When Magikarp came into view, it was biting the hand of the guy who had been hiding in the tree.

"Good job! Get 'em, Magikarp!"

"Get your stupid fish off me!" The man shook Magikarp off as a short woman in a black leather half-jacket, miniskirt, and leggings jumped out of the tree. Tom stared at her fluorescent green mohawk and lack of surrounding hair. The man got to his feet after stumbling on his platform shoes, and he adjusted his odd blue ponytails that jutted up from his head at awkward angles. He wiped the dust off of his blue and green jumpsuit.

"And what the fuck are you supposed to be?" Tom laughed as Magikarp flopped on top of the man's head, destroying his gel-covered horns.

"I'm Phillip!"  
"And I'm Haley!"

"We're Team Microscopic! So small we're out of sight!"

"And we're gonna win this fight!"  
"MUKKKKKKKK!" Magikarp screamed and returned to Tom's backpack. The immense, amorphous blob bubbled and dropped out of the tree with a resounding plop. Tom grimaced and looked away in disgust. "MUKKK!"

"Yeah, you'll probably win because Flubber over there is going to eat us!"

"Duck? Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii!"

"Get back in your ball you stupid...!"  
"KARP!"

"Shut up, Magikarp!"

"Karp! Karp!"

"What? Team Microscopic is here to steal the valuable Pokemon stored at the top of the astronomy tower in Periwinkle Town and use it to take over the world and destroy all of Phaylus?"

"KARP!"

"Wow, I thought that was a brainless, useless fish, not an Alakazam!" Haley joked, glowering at the cowering Pokemon.

"Bra!" Abra temporarily awoke from the coma-like state it had fallen into and gave Team Microscopic a Vulcan salute before Tom returned it to its PokeBall.

"Wha-did you say 'bout ma Magikarp?"

"I said it was brainless... and useless!"

"And it's ug-ly!" Phillip and Haley gave each other high-fives and smirked at Tom and his now sobbing Magikarp. Next to the song of the Karp Cart, it was the worst sound he had ever heard.

"Alright, Vigoroth! It's time to give these losers haircuts!" Tom sent out his only reliable Pokemon and hoped everything would go according to plan. "Use X-Scissor!"

"Muk, use Minimize!" Phillip shouted, not comprehending the fact that Vigoroth was going to attack them, not their Pokemon. "Avoid its attack no matter what!"

"ROTH!" Vigoroth latched onto Phillip's neck and began shearing off his ponytails. Muk slowly slithered away.

"Haley, help me! Get it off! Get it off! OW!" He ran back and forth through the grove of trees, and eventually hit a boulder. Vigoroth jumped off of its victim and started to chase Haley as Muk clambered on top of Phillip's motionless body, its muddy filth dripping down onto his face and shoulders.

"Karp!" Magikarp wailed as big cerulean tears flowed down its scaly face.

"Go on, Vigoroth! Sic her!" Haley let out a scream of terror as the last of her spiky green hair fell onto the grass, where it blended in perfectly.

"You... you little brat! You haven't seen the last of Team Microscopic!" Haley abandoned Phillip and Muk and climbed back into the tree.

"I can still see you!" She snorted and pulled herself deeper into the tree. "That's better! See ya, losers!"

"!" the disgusting brown, lumpy Pokemon howled as it wrapped its arms around Phillip's neck. Tom strutted away triumphantly while Magikarp giggled at the scene from the backpack. Once the "danger" had passed, Abra popped back out of its PokeBall and resumed its yoga session while walking with Tom.

"You know, you should get out of my face when you do downward dog. You _aren't _the prettiest Pokemon to look at," Tom joked, receiving an expressionless look from Abra.

"Karp, karp."

"No, you're the ugliest Pokemon, Magikarp. Wait, no, Feebas is. You're the second ugliest."

"KARP!"

"Don't you dare gape at me like that, Magikarp!"

"Karp!"


	5. Chapter 5

** Finally, the procrastination has ended. I found a computer I can type it up on, and the adventure will, at last, continue. Thanks to Joe P., Sam S., and Adam C. for giving this tale the life that it truly deserves.**

The remainder of the trip to the next town wasn't nearly as bad as Tom had initially feared. After spending numerous sleepless nights next to the cold, slimy, gasping fish, he was in no hurry to take a weekend vacation in the wilderness. Therefore, he was extremely thankful to find that Periwinkle Town was less than a day's walk away. Along the path, he came across a Trainer Tip planted in the middle of a patch of tall grass and grumbled as he fought his way over to it: "Some Pokemon can only evolve if you trade them with friends. Be sure to link up with all of your friends so you can finish your PokeDex!"

"What the hell is this trying to say?" Tom groaned, suddenly aware of the fact that the expensive mini-computer in his pocket was more than just a paper weight. "When they say link up, they don't mean handcuffs, do they? That's creepy."

"Karp. Magi-karp, karp."

"Oh, and who made you such the learned scholar?" Tom rolled his eyes and stomped back onto the path, Magikarp flopped in the backpack to turn the other way, having had enough of Tom's sarcasm for the afternoon. After coming to a fork in the road, Tom nonchalantly picked the right side, since it looked as if more people had traveled that way, only to walk back with map in hand after finding police cars and cameramen swarming around something on the ground. He stared blankly at the map as he walked, waiting for Magikarp to comment, as usual.

"Karp, karp, karp, MAGI-karp."

"No, I haven't heard that poem. And I don't care to now, thank you. If I take the freaking road less traveled by, I'm going to end up somewhere in Johto again, and I don't want to be attacked by another drunk geisha!"

"Karp."

"I am not the sad one! When are you going to learn Hyper Beam? I'm tired of looking stupid whenever we try to battle. Forget Sing and learn Hyper Beam already!"

"Karp, karp, karp, karp-karp, Magi-karp."

"It is not an impossible dream! Shut up, Magikarp!" His eyes found the route on the map, and he glanced at the collection of icons that made up Periwinkle Town. At the eastern edge, he spotted a large rectangle labeled as an astronomy tower. "I wonder if they'll have moon cakes there. I'm sick of Pokemon food."

"I'm sorry, but this gym will not accept any challengers today. Rochshell, the leader, is away and will return sometime in the next three days," the security guard repeated robotically for the fourth time as he pushed Tom away from the building's glass doors.

"But I want my Bug Juice badge NOW! I came all this way, and I'm not going to let some wimpy little nerd in a uniform tell me what to do! Let me in, let me in, let me in!"

"Sir, please don't make me have to escort you to the city limits. I'm just doing my job. I can't let you in until our gym leader returns, and no one knows exactly when that will be. Please come back tomorrow or the next day. She'll probably be back by then." Tom cringed and slowly backed away from the guard.

"No, I don't want you to escort me anywhere, pervert! Stay away from me, or I'll sic my Magikarp on you!"

"Karp?" Tom sprinted back to the Pokemon Center then began walking in the direction of the astronomy tower. If nothing else, he would have something to do for the rest of the day, and there was always the chance that they served moon cakes. On the way, Magikarp dove into a pond on the side of the road and flopped around stupidly. Tom sent out Abra to train with it for a while, and was amused by Magikarp's pathetic attempts to fight against the skillful psychic Pokemon. As time passed, the fish got angrier and angrier, until it eventually slammed into Abra and knocked it senseless.

"Abra is unable to battle!" the mystical voice announced nearby.

"Okay, that wasn't Tackle," Tom commented as he pulled out the PokeDex that was mumbling in his pocket.

"Magikarp learned Flail," it repeated, showing a picture of a deep orange Magikarp with its mouth open in a gasp.

"Damn it. You still know Sing. Wait, I thought Flail was only for strong fish Pokemon."

"KARP!" The fish bounced up in the air and smacked Tom twice across the face with its tail.

"Ow, I didn't mean it like that!"

Being too cheap in invest in a stock of potions, Tom walked back across Periwinkle Town to the Pokemon Center to heal Abra and Magikarp. Afterward, he wandered to the pond again and sat by the water. While watching his team relax in the relatively cool and slightly murky water, Tom stretched out in the grass and stared up at the sky. It was like taking a holiday with the friends he had never had. No ranting mother, no taunting Jack Offer, no annoying chores… Just sun and sky and flowers and roads that stretched across the landscape and into the mountains. He closed his eyes for a few minutes, and when he opened them, he saw a huge, multicolored bird flying gracefully through the bright blue sky. Magikarp and Beldum glanced upward, too, and all three stared in awe of the majestic Pokemon. Tom grabbed his PokeDex and pointed it upward, snapping a picture of it. Ecstasy flowed through him as he sat up, looking at the great image saved on the device. A few seconds later, he felt something on his shoulder and, thinking it was Abra or maybe another trainer, Tom quickly turned around. There on his shoulder, and now on his face and in his hair, was the biggest puddle of bird droppings that he had ever seen. He calmly placed his PokeDex on the ground and stared silently at the grass for a short time before the vein in his forehead began to throb. The Pokemon in the pond watched in shock before they slowly began inching toward the edges of the water.

"Why is it that nothing good ever lasts for more than seven minutes?" Tom whispered, his limbs shaking uncontrollable as drops of the acidic white substance dripped down the back of his neck. "WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?" He dove headfirst into the water and dragged his head through the sand at the bottom. He opened his mouth wide and screamed, watching as air bubbles sped up toward the surface.

"Karp? Magi-Magi-Magi-karp karp." The Pokemon looked at each other and back at Tom's shoes, which were sticking up out of the water. They grabbed him and pulled him up, then tossed him back onto the shore. He sat there, motionless with a spooky expression on his face and muddy water all over him. "Karp? Karp?"

"Heh heh heh…. I'm tired of this… I have a great idea!"

"Karp. Magikarp?"

"Let's do… the Macarena," he giggled, before standing up and putting his arms out in front of him. Magikarp blinked, shrugged, and joined its trainer. Soon, the others joined in as well, hoping more that he wouldn't snap and attack them if they copied him. However, seeing as how it had no arms, Beldum had a difficult time doing so and just ended up swinging back and forth in midair.

"Karp, karp-karp!"

"BRA!"

"Roth!"

"Drill, drill, Bee-Bee!"

"A wild Beedrill has appeared to do the Macarena with Pokemon Trainer Tom!" Vigoroth grabbed a PokeBall from the bag and tossed it to Tom, who stared at it before tossing it at the distracted bug. One… two… three…

"Yes! Beedrill was caught! Beedrill was sent to Box 1 in Will's PC."

"Oh yeah! I caught a Bee-drill! I don't s-uck!"

"Karp."

"Fine. I don't suck as m-uch!" He returned all of his Pokemon, except Magikarp, to their PokeBalls and danced back to the Pokemon Center to withdraw Beedrill in place of Beldum. The young Pokemon needed some time off because it had slowly become more and more reluctant to respond to Tom's orders. He hoped that a little isolation would teach it a little more discipline. On his third trip back to the pond, he decided to continue down the road to the astronomy tower. Although it was a short walk, he went slowly, observing every flower and tree carefully as he went. He decided that he hoped the gym leader was gone for a while so he would have a good reason to stay at Periwinkle Town for a while. This hope died quickly as he rounded the last corner and found a tall, green-haired teenage girl standing in the shade of a tree, staring up at the tower. At her feet drooled a content Gloom, its leaves sparkling in the sunlight reflected from a window.

"Hey, are you the gym leader?" Tom called, a goofy grin stuck on his face. She nodded and looked up at the tower before moving toward him.

"Yeah. I know, people are getting impatient, but I don't give a damn. I want Team Microscopic out of here, and since no one else will do it, I will!"

"They're here? Is it the two short people and a big brown blob?"

"What an eloquent description. What do you want? You're interrupting my mission."

"I want the badge I've walked thirty miles for. Come on, it won't take long. I'll even try to get rid of those freaks for you."

"Fine," she sighed, beckoning Gloom to join her. "But I'll have to beat you fast. I really don't have time for this."

"We'll just see who ends it fast. Go, Vigoroth!"

"Finish it fast, Sunny. Remember, I need your help with the troublemakers."

"Loom."

"Use Sleep Powder!"

"Slash, Vigoroth!" The ugly plant soared through the air and into the bushes. Rochshell hurried over and returned it just as the glittering white powder landed on Vigoroth.

"Vigoroth fell asleep!" An announcer had magically appeared on the sidelines, and Tom took a few seconds just to stare at him.

"Come back, Vigoroth. Go, Beldum!"

"Go get it, Bella!" a wide-eyed Weepinbell appeared in the middle of the battlefield, its leaves shaking in anticipation for the fight. "Use Bite!"

"Takedown!"

"Beldum is unable to battle! Choose your next Pokemon!"

"Shut up, you idiot! I'm not new at this! Go, Abra!"

"Bite, Bella!"

"Use Hidden Power!"

"Bite it again!"

"Teleport behind it, then use Hidden Power!"

"Weepinbell is unable to battle!"

"Do your best, Drosophila! Use Drill!" A large, angry Beedrill soared up into the air, then returned and levitated just over the ground.

"What a surprise. Teleport away!"

"Abra is unable to battle! Ch… Never mind!"

"Alright, Butterfree! Use Silver Wind!"

"FREE, FREE!"

"Butterfree is loafing around. It didn't listen to Tom!"

"What the hell? You're not level 40! I have the right badges! Why are you doing this?"

"Fury Attack, Drosophila!"

"Butterfree is unable to battle!"

"It's your turn, Magikarp! Use Flail, and don't miss!"

"Slice it up with Bug Cutter!"

"I'm sorry about your goffik Beedrill! Tackle it, Magikarp!"

"Fury Attack!"

"Sing your heart out, Magikarp!"

"Karp… karp karp karp!"

"Fish Pokemon can't sing! The Magikarp's attack didn't work!"

"Fine, use Flail, then!"

"Wait, Magikarp's Sing did have an effect on Leader Rochshell's Beedrill! Beedrill is paralyzed! It may be unable to attack!"

"Good job, Magikarp! Get it, get it! Squash it like a bug!" Magikarp obediently slammed into Beedrill and flopped back over to Tom's side of the battlefield.

"Beedrill is unable to battle! Pokemon Trainer Tom wins!"

"Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Come on now, pay up!"

"Whatever. Here's the Bug Juice Badge and your prize money. Now please go AWAY! I'm busy here!" She tossed the badge and a small bag over to Tom. He narrowly missed catching the badge, but Psyduck never misses. It popped out of its ball long enough to have its valuable snack, then returned to its circular room before Tom could knock it out.

"I knew that was going to happen…"

"What? Abra is evolving!"

"YES! A good Pokemon at last! Yeah!"

"Karp…."


	6. Chapter 6

**It's hard to believe that this story has come so far… but it still has miles to go. I have to thank Sam S., Joe P., and Adam C. for researching and recording the priceless historical story of Tom Ato and his beloved Magikarp.**

Awe flooded Tom so thoroughly that he stopped breathing as he watched a beautiful lavender light envelope his pathetic Abra. He had been waiting for this moment since his first full day as a Pokemon trainer. Small globes of shining energy circled the glowing Pokemon and were the last to fade when the magical event was over.

"Congratulations! Your Abra evolved into Kadabra! Kadabra learned Confusion! Kadabra learned Light Screen!" The new Pokemon stared at Tom before beginning to do lunges across the gym floor.

"Late evolver, huh? With such a pathetic trainer, I guess it's not that hard to believe." Rochshell returned her Beedrill to its PokeBall and began walking back to Periwinkle Town.

"What's that supposed to mean? I beat you! And where are YOU going?" Tom clenched his teeth and shook his fist violently in the stuck-up girl's direction.

"I just remembered that you said you'd take care of Team Microscopic. Get to it, hot shot. Wouldn't want that massive head of yours to spring a leak, would you?" She disappeared into the trees and was long gone before Tom's fury released him long enough for him to retort.

"Well, your mom sprang a leak!"

"Karp. Ma-gi-karp, karp." Tom knew Magikarp was right. It usually was, whether he wanted to admit it or not. He sighed.

"Yeah, I know it's too late. I guess we have a job to do. But I really don't want to walk all the way back to…"

"BRA!" Kadabra bellowed as it floated lazily over to Tom. It grabbed Magikarp's left fin and Tom's right hand, and together they all teleported back to the Pokemon Center in Periwinkle Town. "Ka DA bra." Tom nodded and strolled into the red and white building with Magikarp splashing after him and Kadabra gliding gracefully in front of him. Other trainers turned to admire the valuable psychic Pokemon, but the light yellow-orange Magikarp drew much more attention. The fish splashed up and down on the tile floor proudly

"Cut it out, Magikarp. You're not a celebrity. You're an ugly, discolored fish filet that can barely swim. The only reason you're here is because the fast food restaurant down the street didn't catch you first."

"Karp karp karp karp karp, Magi-magi-karp karp karp! KARP!"

"I'm so terrified."

"What the hell are you doing?" Tom asked as he watched Kadabra's adept footwork during a ballet practice session. They had found a peaceful, sunny spot far away from everyone else to come up with a plan to get rid of Team Microscopic. Tom released the rest of his team so he could force them to participate in the brainstorming. "How does that new badge taste, Psyduck?"

"Duck? Psy-aii-aii-aii!" It tried to rub the sides of its head with its short arms, but failed to reach the upper half of its skull. Beedrill buzzed over to Tom and hugged him as viciously as Rochshell's Pokemon had attacked Magikarp.

"Get off, get off, you oversized cockroach! You're going to poison me! Bad Bee Bee"

"Drill, drill! Bee!" Suddenly, the sound of breaking glass filled the air, and Psyduck belched in surprise. It looked around as if it were trying to pin the blame on someone else.

"Okay, now that was disgusting. Hey, where's Butterfree?" He searched the rocky clearing they were relaxing in, but the scintillating bug Pokemon was nowhere to be found. Then a horrible gasping noise started coming from behind Tom. He turned, expecting to find Magikarp having a tantrum, or maybe a seizure, but the fish was sunbathing several feet away in the other direction. "Stop it, Magikarp! I don't want to have a fucking talent show right now! So what if Kadabra thinks it can dance!"

"BRA!"

"Karp? Magi-Magi-karp!" It flopped in annoyance before it continued its tanning session.

"Oh, then who is, wise guy?" Tom turned back to the direction of the noise just as Butterfree came into view. It was slowly rising out a large, hollow rock, holding something long and shiny. "Butterfree, are you okay?" The disturbed bug drifted forward, its multifaceted red eyes empty and fixed on Tom.

"Free… free…" it whispered and it bared its teeth as it got closer. "Free… free… FREE, FREE, FREE, FREEEEE!" The purple Pokemon lunged toward Tom, and it became apparent to the trainer that it was holding a large bread knife, just like the one his grandma had used when she baked fruitcakes for the county bake sales in Hoenn. Tom screamed and dove to the side just in time. The weapon barely brushed the front of his backpack; it made a large hole in the PokeBall pocket, but Tom didn't notice. He dodged the knife several more times before a huge, two-toed foot flew in and knocked Butterfree out of the air.

"Yoda, I mean Kadabra! You know tae kwon do! You're not worthless! Thank you!" Tom swiftly returned the psychotic Butterfree to its PokeBall, but the following peace didn't last long. When Tom looked up, a stream of cold water blasted him in the face. He crept to the side of the clearing, where the edge of the cliff should have been, and saw an angry middle-aged man glaring up at him with a garden hose in his hand.

"Hey, kid! Get the fuck off my roof!"

Tom wearily lead his parade of slightly-less-pathetic Pokemon back across Periwinkle Town to the astronomy tower. Everything seemed quiet and normal, and he was about to leave when he felt something cold and slimy slide down the back of his neck. He wiped it off and looked at the thick, brown goo that had splattered up into his hair, just like the legendary bird poop had the day before.

"What the…?" He turned his eyes up to the lowest balcony and saw an enraged Muk dripping down onto the ground. "What are you doing up there?"

"MUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKK!"

"I WAS walking!"

"MUUUKKK!"

"Look what we've got here!" A short woman with a skin-tight yellow bodysuit walked out through the front door.

"Is that a Pokemon or a pencil sharpener?" The girl's equally short companion followed her, wearing neon pink and green flip flops and a matching Speedo.

"You're a freak of nature," Tom said, continuing the endless journey into the glass building.

"No, I was sunbathing!"

"Anyway," the woman interrupted, "I'm Haley!"

"And I'm Phillip!"

"We're Team Microscopic! So small we're out of sight!"

"And we're gonna win this fight!"

"MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKK!" Muk slid between the metal bars on the balcony, reconnected its body parts in midair, and slammed into Phillip. The small man collapsed onto the ground and disappeared under the bubbling blob.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Tom looked on in disbelief.

"I don't have time for this."

"Karp."

"Go, Kadabra! Teach these pathetic creeps what the word 'fight' really means."

"BRA!"

"Use Confusion, Kadabra!"

"Minimize!" Haley commanded, more out of concern for Phillip's air supply than for the battle.

"Hey, can't you just use Teleport and send them somewhere?"

"Bra…? Kada-bra, BRA!"

"Oh. That's stupid." While Tom thought of an attack suitable for his ultimate defeat of Team Microscopic, the minimized Muk snuck over to Tom and stole one of his PokeBalls off of his belt. It hurried back to Phillip, but Haley took the PokeBall, much to Muk's dismay, since he was still unconscious.

"All right! Good job, Muk! Well, our work here is done, so I guess we'll be going. Nice seeing you again, twerp! NOT!" Muk lifted Phillip's motionless body above its head and followed Haley down a grassy path into the woods.

"You better run!" Tom called after them, dusting his hands off as if he'd actually done something. He walked back up to the tower and could feel the sweet air conditioning on his face. He reached out to pull on the door handle and… found it was locked. Team Microscopic must have snuck inside at closing time the day before. After groaning his displeasure for a few minutes, he began throwing his PokeBalls one by one until… "Where's Butterfree? Did I drop its PokeBall?"

"Karp, karp karp?"

"OMS! Team Microscopic stole Butterfree using Muk while I was talking to Kadabra! And now they're taking it back to their headquarters! What happened to the valuable Pokemon at the top of the astronomy tower? Why'd they have to steal MY Pokemon?" Tom curled into a ball and rested his head on his knees, mourning for his lost Butterfree.

"Karp karp karp karp karp KARP!"

"Oh well. I didn't really like it that much, anyway."

"… Karp."

"What? It freaked me out! All it ever talked about was being 'free'! Now it is."

"Karp."

"HA! I knew you hated it too." Magikarp shifted uncomfortably on its side.

"Magi-karp."

After a short trip back to the Pokemon Center to heal his team and withdraw Beldum, he decided his team should do a little more training before they moved on to the next town. It seemed that the short period of isolation had done the Pokemon good, and it was much more obedient now. On his way out, he temporarily released Beedrill from its PokeBall and allowed it to follow him.

"Come on, Bee Bee. We've got a long way to go before we get to the next town."

"DRILL!" The monstrous bug Pokemon flew down and wrapped its arms around Tom's neck, the sharp stingers pressing against the sides of his neck.

"Enough, enough! I told you not to hug me! I don't wanna die! I just wanna live!"

"Karp, Magi-Magi-karp, karp."

"Shut up, Magikarp. And I have no idea what the next town's called! I just know it's this way."

"Karp." The fish sighed and flopped over on its side in the backpack.

"I also know that the next gym leader only uses poison-type Pokemon, so I have to make Beldum evolve. Then I'll have a Pokemon that'll be totally resistant to the leader's attacks!" Tom launched his fist up in the air and gave an evil laugh. He was completely confident that, with a little bit of work, he would be able to pwn the next gym into the ground.

"Magi-Magi-Magi KARP. Karp karp karp karp!"

"Just because I can't make YOU evolve doesn't mean that I can't make another Pokemon evolve! I made Vigoroth and Kadabra and… Butterfree… evolve, so there!"

"KARP."

"Just sit back and enjoy the ride, you lazy piece of shit."


	7. Chapter 7

**Again, I must thank everyone who made the creation of this beautiful story possible, especially Joe P. and Sam S. Also, I have to thank Nicole V. for correcting a few minor problems with this chapter. In other news, KF now has a fan page on FaceBook! If you're a member, stop by and show your support! Return to the Karp Fest!**

"Karp." Magikarp gazed at the passing scenery lazily as it rode in Tom's backpack along Route f(x) = 69^x. He had been working on training Beldum along the way so that he would not have to spend much time doing so when they finally reached Mudcumber City. He thought this was a grand idea, seeing as how the city was several days away by foot. He began to doubt his abilities when, twelve days later, he had neither managed to reach the city nor evolve his Beldum. Things seemed hopeless, especially since the Pokemon couldn't even learn a new move until it evolved.

"Psyduck, use Water Gun! Bee Bee, Drill! Kadabra, Confusion! Vigoroth, Slash! Magikarp, stop doing the fucking Macarena and use Flail already! Beldum, use Take Down on everyone until they all faint, or until you do!"

"Karp karp karp, karp karp karp!"

"Magikarp! Stop singing Christmas carols and…!"

"Beldum fell asleep! Kadabra used Confusion! Beldum fainted! Use next Pokemon?" The mystical male voice had returned, and Tom still hadn't managed to find out where it was coming from, even though he'd been on his adventure for over a month now. Tom fished a half bottle of Revive out of his backpack and poured it on top of Beldum, which regained consciousness almost immediately.

"Are you any stronger?"

"…."

"Whatever. This isn't going anywhere, and I'm sick of trying to push my rotten luck in the right direction. Are you ever going to evolve? Can you at least tell me that?"

"…."

"Karp."

"What, is this some kind of adolescent revolt? Well, I'll tell you right now, Mr. Man, if you think you're in charge…!"

"KARP! Magi-Magi-karp!"

"How many times do I have to tell you to shut up and let me scream at others? I don't care what my stupid psychiatrist said! You weren't there and you don't know anything, you stupid Karp!"

"Karp! Karp!" Tom looked and spotted a wooden sign in the distance. He ran up to it and bowed down to its royal highness before reading what it said: 'Beware! Route ∞ begins up ahead!'

"Big freakin' deal. Unless there's another road around here, they can BEWARE all they want! I'm going straight, and if any of you losers disagree with my decision, you can go fly or trot or flop your way back to Periwinkle Town and wait for Team Microscopic to find and kidnap you. Any takers?" All of the Pokemon completely ignored Tom and listened to Magikarp's complex explanation of the properties of infinity.

Despite Tom's initial disbelief, Beldum finally learned Confusion two days later, although it went against the fundamentals of Pokemon evolution. Thinking back on Butterfree's freaky de-evolution a few weeks prior, he just shrugged it off and decided to consider it a lucky training session.

"Well, now I have two Pokemon with the same move. It's better than Tackle, but it's not much of a strategy. But on the bright side, I guess you're getting better. Good job, Beldum!"

"…"

"Karp." The word sounded strange as it left Magikarp's mouth, and for a quick second, Tom hoped with all of his being that the useless fish was finally evolving. Nope.

"Did you just bark at me?"

"Karp? Magi-karp. Magi-karp-karp." Behind Magikarp, a fluffy Vulpix strutted out of the tall grass and looked at Tom carelessly.

"Cool, a fire Pokemon! Go, Psyduck! Use Water Gun, but don't knock it out! Please don't knock it out!"

"Duck *cough* duck." Startled, the Vulpix let out a stream of fire in Psyduck's direction. At first it didn't even notice, then its eyes began to tear up.

"The wild Vulpix used Ember! Psyduck is hurt by its burn!"

"Hey, Psyduck! You're on fire! Use Water Gun to put out the flames! No, stop! Don't go by that… tree. Great, now look what you did! The tree's on fire!"

"DUUUUUUUUCKKKK!"

"Don't cuss, you idiot! Use Water Gun!"

"Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii!" The Pokemon continued to ignore Tom and ran back and forth across the clearing, making the flames grow taller and stronger. Eventually, it fell head-over-heels in the dirt and managed to extinguish the fire through sheer luck. At that point, its eyebrows and three hairs had been singed off.

"Psyduck is unable to battle!" the stalker voice announced as Tom gritted his teeth. The Vulpix, seeing the vein popping out of the boy's forehead and hearing the disembodied voice coming from the sky, fled for its life. Tom turned a brilliant shade of maroon before falling to his knees (again). He pounded the ground with his fists until he couldn't feel his hands anymore. Just when Magikarp thought his temper tantrum had ended, the boy got to his feet and jumped up and down in a circle as fast as he could.

All of the motion caused seven PokeBalls to roll out of the hole Butterfree's knife had made in the backpack. They all rolled down the steep hill Tom had just climbed, and into a small pond. There, in several great flashes of light, the PokeBalls opened and every one captured a Pokemon. Each floated back to the surface to wait for retrieval. Tom, who had flopped onto the ground when the lights from the PokeBalls had gone off, looked down the hill cautiously in the direction of the miniature atomic explosions. Somewhere deep inside his mind he knew what had just happened, and he briefly thought of just walking away. After a moment of thought and hoping that his gut feeling was wrong, he slowly walked over to the pond and grabbed all seven PokeBalls.

'Why aren't they disappearing and going to the storage PC?' he thought as he tossed each PokeBall in turn.

"Karp."

"Magi-karp."

"KARP!"

"Karp, karp!"

"Magi-Magi-karp!"

"Karp. Karp!"

"KARP!"

"NOOOOOO!" Tom howled as he collapsed onto the ground again, staring wide-eyed in terror at his new collection of Magikarps.

"Karp, karp! Magi-Magi-karp!" Magikarp rolled out of the backpack and looked at Tom in concern. "Karp?"

"Karp… k-karp. M-Magikarp," Tom whispered as his left eye twitched dangerously. He was seeing orange fish everywhere: in the sky, on the grass, in a tree, on his hand…. But why was his first Magikarp more yellow than the others? And why was it sparkling in the sunlight? "Omigod…. YOU'RE SHINY, MAGIKARP!"

"Karp?"

"Karp, karp, karp, karp, karp-karp, karp, karp!" the crowd of Karps ranted and complained on their slow journey back to their pond when they finally realized that Tom wasn't talking to any of them. In contrast to Magikarp, the rest of the Magikarps needed to stay in the water in order to stay alive.

With a backpack full of stored Magikarps, Tom slowly continued the trek to Psychobabble Town. After ten full days on the road, he and his team finally arrived, mostly in good health, although Tom's eye still hadn't stopped twitching. After moping around his room for a while like a little emo boy, Tom began to see a little light in the near future. With a sudden spark of brilliance, Tom jolted himself out of his semi-stupor with a plan to rid himself of the annoying, money-wasting Pokemon in his bag. He marched to the city's PokeMart and purchased seven Air Mails. One by one he filled out the address labels, first his name then his "father's", and attached each one to a captured Karp. Then for the last step…. He carried the armful of packages back to the PokeMart and deposited them in the mail drop, and watched with a satisfied smirk on his face as a Delibird loaded them into its tail-bag. At last his problem was solved. Magikarp turned to face the inside of the backpack and waved goodbye to the other Karps with its tail fin as Tom exited the store.

The next morning, after a long rest, Tom returned to the PokeMart to buy ten new PokeBalls for the trip ahead. The cashier cheerfully informed him that he would receive a free Premier Ball with his order, then assured him that she was unaware that they were currently out of stock. He grumbled under his breath on his way out the door and onto Route ∞. The path was long and rugged, full of powerful psychic-type and noxious poison-type Pokemon that seemed to enjoy using Tom for target practice. (Magikarp sticking its tongue out and doing bad imitations of the wild Pokemon didn't seem to be helping.) Although Tom quickly burned through his store of Antidotes and quickly resorted to threats and attempts to use his imaginary store of magical energy, he was content with the fact that Beldum eventually evolved and learned Headbutt.

"It's better than Takedown, amirite?"

"… Karp."

"Lighten up, you Karp! You're no fun to be around when you're in these bad moods of yours!"

"KARP? Magi-Magi-Magi-karp!"

"Hey, watch it, Magikarp! I'm tired of this repeating cycle!" An awkward silence followed, and Tom realized what he had just said. "Wait, are you… a Magikarp ?"

"… Karp." An expression of relief spread across Tom's face, like food coloring in a green, watery egg-and-ham concoction.

"Good. That's good to hear."

Tom lost track of the days as they slowly crawled past. Several times he thought that he'd passed the same landmarks, but it turned out that there were a few subtle differences. Magikarp tried twice to tell him to turn back, using the theories of infinity to back up its case, but Tom wouldn't hear a word of it. Seventeen days passed before they reached the mythical Pokemon Center that was supposed to be located along Route ∞. (Obviously it did exist. Or perhaps they'd died somewhere along the route and this was simply Pokemon Heaven.) Tom stayed there for two days before he decided to continue on the path that he believed would lead him to Psychobabble Town. Another week passed on the path before he finally reached the… same Pokemon Center as before. As he waited for his badly beaten team to make a recovery, he spotted a tall, blond girl with a denim miniskirt and a skin-tight fluorescent pink t-shirt in the corner. She had long, green and pink fishnets that extended from her hands up to her elbows, where they joined with the shirt. She collected a PokeBall from the storage system PC and punched Tom in the shoulder on her way past him.

"So Shorty, I heard you were trying to find a way out of Route ∞."

"Don't call me Shorty!"

"I can help you out…."

"Really? You know how to get out of here?"

"….For a price. For a little bit of cash, I know how to do anything." As Tom's feeble brain tried to process all of the meanings of what she'd just said, she grabbed his wallet out of his back pocket. "You know, ¥5,000 ought to cover it. What do ya say, Shorty?"

"You're kidding, right? You want ¥5,000?"

"Yes, I want the money, no, I'm not kidding. Hand it over, and you'll be strollin' right on out of here this time next week. Come on, Shorty. You're not going to have another chance to get out of here for a while. Let's see that cash!"

"Fine, whatever, I'll pay. But no more than that. I'll ¥2,000 now, and the rest when I make it to the Pokemon Center in Psychobabble Town."

"'Kay. Gimme your name so I can sue you for all you're worth if something happens or you refuse to pay up when we get there."

"Tom Ato."

"Thank y-ou, Tom. Nice to meet ya. My name's Jenny Talls."

'She's kidding, right?'


End file.
